Even back in my tent, for the first two weeks or so after starting out on missions, I would jump at the slightest of noises, a person’s touch on the shoulder, or even an unannounced figure standing beside me.
My stomach nervously churned every time I climbed up in my truck to go out on those first few missions. Feeling conflicted, I would toss my assault pack into the truck, climb the metal stairs of the back gate of the uparmored vehicle, fasten my seatbelts, and wait helplessly to arrive at a destination. Unlike the hum of a car engine when I was a young child, the loud low hum of the vehicles engines did not comfort me. With every bump in the road, I bounced around, held only slightly in place by the harness that held me strapped me to my seat. I feared that one of the bumps in the road may hold an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) and that a blast was imminent. I would create panic within myself to the point of a cold sweat.
I fought with myself. In part, I was excited and eager to see new places and to photograph this new country that surrounded me but the pit feeling I had in my stomach often made it hard to be optimistic of each day’s journey.
When we rode through the city, I would look out the side window of my uparmored vehicle and watch Afghan women in blue burqas walking along the dirt road beside us headed toward a market. I would gaze at young Afghan school boys donned in their blue shirts and Afghan girls in their white shamaughs on their way to school. I observed older Afghan men working in their road-side shops and younger Afghan men driving carloads of people up and down the paved roads of the city.
Like a lightbulb on a dimmer switch, two things slowly began to occur to me. First, these people were going to the market, to school, and to work… just like I did back home! I was watching people who were, in these respects, no different from me, my friends, and my family.
Secondly, I realized that nothing hazardous was happening when I went out on my missions. The Afghans were going about their business and I wasn’t even a concern to them. Heck, most of them didn’t even look up at the convoy when we past them and the ones that did were waving at us like we were a parade. Waving… and smiling! Threatening people don’t do that!
I hadn’t lost my sense of awareness but I started to feel less and less uptight with each mission. The fog created by my fear was beginning to lift and my new clarity was now seeing people… not threats.
I grew tired of feeling a constantly exhausting state of nervousness and I knew that I had several months in Afghanistan ahead of me so I decided that I had to let go of some of my fears. If something was going to happen, it was going to happen… with or without my worrying about it. I wasn’t going to be able to anticipate a negative event so why stress myself out over it?
It took me nearly a month of missions to begin to ease up on my tension to where the nervousness didn’t exist. As a Soldier, I continued to be apprehensive and cautious. Whether inside or outside the wire, I just didn’t trust anyone… save a couple of close American friends there. I wasn’t like that before I joined the Army. I don’t like that I had changed to become who I was at the beginning of my deployment. I’m actually shameful of the misconceived thoughts I had about the Afghans.
Threats of violence do not come from an entire population, I told myself. One bad person in a photo or on a video is not indicative of an entire country of threatening people.
Well said. Smiles, Anna
Thanks for your service. I saw your profile on CNN. But, it didn’t answer the question of why you didn’t choose to go the officer route. Just curious. The pay would have been better. And maybe less deployment?
Alex S – It’s an honor to serve. Thank you for stobbing by!
The initial plan was to go officer and, at some point, I will. My time in the Army has gone by fast. I’m still new in the Army and still learning. As an NCO, I enjoy working directly with the Soldiers and I feel that, as an officer, I wouldn’t have been given the same opportunities that I’ve been given as an NCO. Can I make decisions like an officer? Yes, sure can and I will when that time comes. Would the pay be better? Oh, yes. Deployments less? Perhaps. I feel content on the enlisted side of the house for now… I contrinute and make a difference. Once I get a bit more comfortable with how the Army works, I will go to the officer side and contribute in a different way.
I saw your profile on CNN. My husband is an officer in the army. He is a reservist who has been on active duty since 2005. I have the upmost respect for you as a mom and a soldier. I read that you have not found a job yet . Is moving an option? There are six openings in Augusta GA with the county in the human resources department. Also, ft Gordon is here so you could stay in the reserves. I am happy to send the link to the positions if you are interested, just let me know.
Ms. Brown, thank you for the information. Unfortunately, moving is limited because of my children. The relationship I have with my ex-husband is very strained because of the military and attempting a court battle to take them out of state is not something I feel I could handle right now. I am looking in the Ohio/Illinois/Indiana/Michigan area though so I could still maintain my visitation schedule without too much static. I do appreciate your thoughts and I will still keep those opportunities in mind. Thank you!
I understand. Good luck to you!
Thank you for your service Kim! I admire your courage more than you know. I’m also a single dad of 3 awesome kids, and out of work for the first time in 12 years – and served in the first gulf war in the Army. So we have alot in common! It soulds like you’re looking in Indiana, and if you want, I can help you get an interview at angieslist.com there. I wish they were here in Phoenix, I wouldn’t be out of a job – lol. But if you’re interested in interviewing there, let me know and I’d be more than happy to help you out there!
Just read your two part blog of a Deployed Soldier: My Mind Was the Enemy – very insightful. From my perspective, what you experienced was natural. Newly arriving into a combat environment, even for an experienced combat vet, is a mental adjustment. As time on the ground goes on you adjust, as I am sure you did. There is nothing wrong in being extremely, even overly, cautious in the beginning of any deployment. Don’t worry about it. Embrace it. It is what will keep you alive, especially since you are among those who spend most of their time outside the wire. You have my respect, girl!! OOHRAAH
Thanks for your service. I spent time in AFG in 2002 and again in 2005 as a technician for DA. Joined the Army at 25 and all my friends told me I was too old! Keep on keeping on. We need more people like you.
Thank you for your service, Scott. Joined at 25? You were just a pup! I’ve found that being older has played in my favor quite a few times in the Army. I am able to bring more life experience to the table. Also, I think my age had a great deal to do with how the Afghans I worked with treated me, despite being a woman. They knew I had an education and I could also connect to them as professionals, parents, and just by the wrinkles we all had. LOL!
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